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Monday, December 18, 2006,3:40 pm
PMS . 171206
feeling a little better today i guess .though that doesnt solve the problem.attempted to keep my distance , really dont want to emit more negativity.i admit, i havent been acting right in the eyes of the Lord.but , its one the first few times i've truly blown up and one of the first few times i've been so disappointed in someone.haiis . long story .hm . told myself that die die had to go to church today.sadly, couldnt wake SOMEBODY up .and we kinda got off to a late start, due to a faulty alarm.well . didnt attend the main service, we had our own christmas party with the kfc .haas .they're so cute =xwell . it was SO nice to see liz and debs they all again .andria was there t0o ! haha . so nice to see her again :Dhm .. though spiritually desolate i felt,i tried hard to clear my heart to the Lord.then, i thought about what i've been trying lately.going to chc with julia.worship there is powerful and the cell rocks.but, it just doesnt feel as same as coa.i mean, i kinda feel.spiritually, coa is where i feel my utmost high, AND my utmost low.my greatest joys, and yet my greatest destitutions.so .. whats that supposed to mean ?i want to feel God's prescence again. but i just feel i cant.and im afraid going back would bring yet another deprivation.where the nearest i get is to see how empowered the ones around me are.hais . i dont know .it was nice to catch up with the rest (:i miss talking with them so much. i just never realised (:auntie sandra was being her normal siao charbor .laughing like nobody's business . haas .i can see she tried to share something as a christmas lesson for us.hmm . after that, went off to meet jiamin and fiqah.the rest of the kukus werent freee . eeeeeeesh .was early, so decided to go walking around jurong entertainment first.hm . nothing much actually, was actually trying to borrow something to wear for carolling . if i get to go.lols . to no avail =xhm . then off to orchard we went .we walked about in the rain .though fiqah was reluctant . its second nature for jiamin and me :Dso .. she was forced t0o . haas .basically window shopping actually . laughing at all the kuku stuuff we saw.its been awhile since i've seen their faces . GOSH .i've been lazy all this holiday, staying at home in nothingness =xwell, couldnt stay out that late, so we left by 5:30.took the long bus home with fiqah .it was SO DARN COLD CAN =xwe were both shivering while talking . haas .she shared with me the inhabitants of her planet .haha .namely .. the NAN NU BU RU =xthen , we kinda reflected on the kind of people around us.the kind of life we wanted. haas .seriously, its not only the fact that im scared ,but , i dont want to ruin this outing for them yea ?at least make them happy for once. be out of their hair.hmm .. i dont know. i want to try asking God =xi was also thinking of calling him to exchange back the phone.but thinking twice .. i didnt dare .EEESH . i wish i could talk to someone about this .im going to explode O.O"well . met family, without SOMEONE at bb station. then we went home .watched read it and weep .and i dont know why . it got me on a panic spree.it suddenly hit me about how stress next year's going to be.im going to have two amaths and two emaths tutions, including chem and chinese ?? and still have to cope the other stuuff .i wonder , should i devote everything next year to my studies ?despite how much i would LOVE to do that.i know i cant. have to balance somehow .schedule ? psychological reliability ?i dont know . i dont know !!im very scaredd . then i realised .i havent called all them yet ! die die die !well , as you can seee.my thoughts are all tangled up in a mess .
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heartofGodchurch